Soul on a Journey

Oh my, what a word! Freedom – the word carries so many implications on so many levels. People live for it, people die for it. But what is freedom?

As I always do in my blog posts, I offer food for thought from my reflections upon life and my soul on a journey. My hopes are, that my words can stir up something within you, whatever it may be, to set you thinking, feeling and pushing further out of the ‘box’ of your present awareness. I shall invite 5 awesome guys to help me illustrate my point – Socrates, Rousseau, Sartres, Frankl and Jung. Please sit back and imagine having coffee with us!

Whether you agree or not the scope. As my friend Socrates states:

So please, entertain the thoughts I write here. Invite them into the ballroom of your mind, to dance with your present understanding of things. You might enjoy it :)

Life Lesson 25 – Freedom

When I studied philosophy as a teen, a lecturer once wrote this quote by my friend Rousseau on the board and invited us to argue its meaning:

It has taken me up until the present moment to understand the significance of this quote and not feel upset about it like it had upset me in the past. For now, instead of enslaving me, the idea LIBERATES ME. How can ‘being in chains’ be liberating? And how can THIS be FREEDOM?

Those who know me, know I love paradoxes :) fret not, I will explain.

To illustrate what ‘Freedom’ truly is, I shall invite Sartres and Frankl to do the talking. Sartres states that:

Let that sink in for a moment. “Freedom is what YOU DO with what has been done to you.” My emphasis here is what YOU DO. Simply put, what has been done to us – those are THE CHAINS that Rousseau speaks of. We can do nothing about those. However, what we CHOOSE to do with what has been done to us is WHAT GIVE US FREEDOM… OR ENSLAVES US.

You see, you and I and all of humankind have had and will continue having ‘things’ happen to us – this is the nature of our existence on earth. To negate this fundamental understanding of life means that one has not even begun his/her journey towards enlightenment. Things that are BEYOND OUR CONTROL WILL HAPPEN irrespective of how nice, kind, fair, just, wonderful, smart and so on you are. First ACCEPT this fact. Then you can move on. Your freedom starts with accepting this.

Okay, so now that we have liberated our mind from that untruth, we can move forward. Let me share with you what Frankl has to say and then I shall add everything together to give the complete picture:

To understand the impact of this quote, one must read Frankl’s profound experience in a Concentration camp during the second world war in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning”. Frankl notes that although EVERYONE was living the same terrifying reality, some were enslaved whilst others were FREE.

What does all this mean? Well here’s my understanding. It’s not sugar-coated, it’s hard core reality simply put. And I believe THIS mindset is the mindset of FREEDOM.

Yes, Rousseau is correct, everywhere we are ‘in chains’. These ‘chains’ are anything and everything that happens to us outside our control irrespective of what we do. This is why I don’t believe in karma. Karma states ‘what goes around comes around’. People who believe this get very upset (as I was) when they realise that even if you are genuine, nice and fair - people will still stab you in the back and misjudge you. Even if you eat healthy and exercise - you may still fall ill with a disease… and so on. ‘Bad’ things happen to ‘good’ people and vice-versa. Please don’t get stuck here. Understand that everyone has these ‘chains’. So now what? Now YOU CHOOSE whether you want freedom or enslavement. And that choice is in your hands. Picture it this way:

Something HAPPENS to you. What are your thoughts about it? Whatever you choose to think will affect and create your feelings, which in turn will lead to your action. If you think negative thoughts, you have chosen to let the circumstance enslave you. On the other hand, if you choose to say “what can I learn from this to become a better person, to get a new perspective on life, to become wiser, to change and grow, to help others from this experience, to become more enlightened… then YOU HAVE CHOSEN FREEDOM. Instead of what has happened enslaving you, you rise above ‘the chains’ to become more enlightened, wiser, more compassionate – you, in essence, are FREE!

I shall conclude with one more quote, from another friend, Mr Jung who has been rather quiet throughout our coffee rendezvous :)

 Blessings from Ella xx

Hello once again beautiful souls! It's been a while hasn't it?! I missed you :) I've been looking forward to meeting you again to share all the awesome lessons I've learned as I journey through life!! So here goes:

Life Lesson 24 - Acceptance

Acceptance is something we may struggle with at various times in our lives when we have little or no control over situations and people. Here are some points to reflect upon in this regard:

Impermanence

Nothing in this world is permanent. Everything happens in cycles. The seasons change and yet there is splendour in each one.
The world is in a constant state of flux. Things change... it's a given. To expect that things are permanent or unchanging is to deny a basic reality of life upon earth. The first step toward acceptance is to acknowledge impermanence and accept it as an inevitable part of life.

The Human Condition

We are all human, we are born as infants in an imperfect world, we grow and face many joys, sorrows and life lessons. This is the human condition and none of us can escape it. It is consoling to know that by virtue of being human, we cannot avoid any of the hardships that come with being human, being fallible and being mortal. We all share in the joys and sufferings of life; none of us are immune to them. This knowing consoles us twofold: first is that we can grow to accept that our humanness brings with it a set of inevitable life experiences; and second, that because of this, we can connect with others in that space where we share the same experiences - happiness, loneliness, failure, illness, fear, success, birth, death, love and loss. It is best to flow through life resisting nothing.
Remember, when the strong wind comes, those trees that do not bend and sway will break.

Detachment

There's a story from Thailand which I'd like to share with you that highlights this point:
“You see this glass?” asks the Thai meditation master. “For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.”

When we appreciate what we have knowing already that it will not last forever, we are detached from it, we appreciate every moment we have it; and when it will end, we are not devastated because we knew that it was “already broken”.

Positive Reframing

Whenever an upsetting event happens in our lives, we can stand back and try to find what is positive about the situation. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this to grow and become a better person?” 

Gratitude

Being a thankful person changes everything about life. If you can, at any moment, look around you and see something to be thankful for, you are in a better position to accept the situations you cannot change or control.

Acceptance is ultimately about changing the way you think.
We cannot change others.
We cannot control the inevitable.
We can control our thinking, our attitude and our behaviour.
And this is what makes all the difference.

Until next time xx 

Blessings from Ella

As a soul on a journey, I’ve long ago realized that my perspective about life, experiences, situations and people is not mainstream thinking to say the least. People share their ideas and experiences and many a time I find myself thinking about the very same thing from a completely different perspective. Revenge for example, is one such topic.

Life Lesson 23 – Revenge

Most would define 'revenge' as 'getting back at that person' who has hurt us. As ‘giving a taste of their own medicine’ and feeling satisfied that we have inflicted suffering on that person who has made us suffer. You know ‘an eye for an eye’. Ahhh sweet revenge, giving the person what he/she deserves! Hmmmm.

Well here’s another perspective, see what you think ;)

Revenge isn’t ‘getting back at the person who hurt us’. On the contrary. The way I see it, revenge is nothing more than ‘allowing someone to have the power over me to turn me into the crappy person I must live with for the rest of my life'. 

Let that sink in for a moment… There is someone who you have to live with for the rest of your life – YOU. When you seek revenge, you are not in actual fact ‘getting back at someone’; what you are doing is allowing that person to turn You into someone who is as crappy as they are! And that crappy person you become by repeatedly seeking revenge, is the person you have to live with for the rest of your life!

On the other hand, to liberate yourself from the mean/hurtful person, cut the cord. By not seeking revenge you rise above, you become a better and nicer person, someone awesome and noble and worth living with. You become someone who you like… and for someone who has no choice but to live with yourself forever, you might as well like who you are!

Who do you want to live with for the rest of your life? Do you want to live with the 'you' who is as crappy as the people who hurt you? Or do you want to live with the 'You' who is a mighty awesome person?

Gandhi once said –

The choice is yours, and mine. Dang, I’d rather ‘see’… how about you?

Judgement. As a kid growing up, I was taught that judgement is an ugly thing. Isn’t it? Weren’t you taught the same? Well, here’s a reflection that I hope offers you enlightenment as it did for me when I was inspired. You see, there are two types of judgement. The first is the one we all know about; the second is a skill we are not taught.

Life Lesson 22 – Two types of Judgement

Judgement as Condemnation

The first understanding of judgement is the one we are all familiar with. When we are judged, we feel that we are not accepted for who we are, we feel misunderstood and thus miserable, sad, lonely. We’ve all been judged before; those glaring looks of disdain, the whispers, the messages, the silence – that outright condemnation that feels like we’ve been beheaded by a guillotine and left to be laughed at in the square of some medieval village.

And how about when we’ve condemned others, for not living up to our perceived standards, morals, view of what we think they should be, do and say?

It’s not rocket science to conclude that judgement as condemnation is a violation of the human spirit. No matter what your spiritual beliefs or non-beliefs are, we can all agree that judgement as condemnation poisons not only the one being judged, but also the one doing the judging. Ideally, being conscious of this, we would all benefit from rising above condemnation and moving more toward respect and acceptance of differences – you know, live and let live.

Judgement as Discernment

But… there is another type of judgement. One which unfortunately we rarely hear of. One we are not taught about and which I wish to share with you today. And this type of judgement, contrary to the one above, is an essential skill which is imperative to hone. And this type of judgement is discernment. It keeps us safe, at peace and protects us from unnecessary and avoidable pain and suffering.

Take a moment to consider this scenario:

Tom, a new guy comes to work or to your class/ group/team. You do not know him at all. Instinctively, as human nature would have it, you’d observe Tom, give him a once-over and form some sort of preliminary ‘opinion’ about him. If you happen to like Tom, you are accepting of him and pass a favourable comment. But if something about him does not click with you, odds are you’d make some kind of comment to your friend like: ‘Look at those tattoos!’, ‘Did he look in the mirror this morning?’, ‘His accent shows where he comes from pff.’

Looking at this scenario at face value, we conclude that in the first instance, you are not judging and in the second you are… and we’d stop at that, looking at judgement only from a condemnation perspective. But here, I offer you another perspective. Look at the same scene, this time judging Tom through discernment.

Tom, a new guy arrives. You take a look at him. Although you cannot help thinking something about him, your preliminary thoughts do not take over because you now know from experience, that it is foolish to do so.

Yes, it is foolish… Perhaps you have experienced time and again, people who you immediately liked, trusted, opened up your heart to and grown to love – who have then hurt you and betrayed you; AND the contrary - others who you were quick to condemn because their standard didn’t ‘reach’ yours, only to discover later what a nice and awesome, loving person they are. This is because judgement from the condemnation (or not) perspective is inadequate and unhealthy.

So what do you do? You purposefully choose to remain neutral about Tom. You do not judge him, neither to condemn him and ‘kick him to the curb’, nor to put him in your good books and be blind sighted in awe. No. You quiet your mind and sit like an anthropologist in observation. You take your time to discern. You see how the person interacts with others, his thoughts, values, principles, ideas and most importantly of all – that his actions are congruent to his words and that he is consistent across time and situations. Please know how important these observations are for you. If you want to protect yourself, take time to judge by discernment. It is both smart and kind to do so.

To judge by condemnation is petty, but to judge by discernment is wise. Please make the distinction between the two types of judgement with no guilt or hesitation. The first type we ought to steer clear of, but the second is an essential life skill to hone. And it is also one we ought to teach our children so they can learn to protect themselves too. If only we knew this before, we would have discerned that that person was harmful to us because we would have seen that his/her actions were not congruent to their words and that they were not consistent across time and situations. Whilst we do not have a right to condemn, we do have a right to protect ourselves and others. So perhaps we can scrap judgement by condemnation and practice judgement by discernment, shall we? :)

Until next time xx

Blessings from Ella

Imagine for just a moment that you were a little child learning all about the world… and you see this –

And I had to tell you that the colour of the car is blue. Without a doubt, you would believe me. And, you would go on thinking and believing that everything that looks like this, is blue.

You may be asking yourself, ‘what is Ella trying to say today?’

Life Lesson 21 – Core Beliefs

Well folks, my main aim today is to try to explain in a simple way, something that operates unconsciously in our daily lives most of the time unknowingly. These ‘things’ I talk of, are called core beliefs. Core beliefs are those beliefs we form in childhood, that become part of who we are, how we think, believe, see and operate in the world, before we have the capacity, insight, knowledge and awareness to question. Core beliefs are what have become our fundamental beliefs about life, the world, people, relationships, society and ourselves.

Let’s go back to the example I gave at the beginning of this post. If as a child, you were told that the car is blue by a caregiver or someone you loved, you would develop a core belief about that colour and it would become ‘truth’ for you. As a small child, you would not have the knowhow to question what you have been told. Being young, vulnerable, innocent, naive and dependent; naturally, you believed, and thus the colour became ‘blue’ for you.

Of course this example is absurd, because we all know that the TRUE colour of this car is yellow. But I chose this simple example to explain and raise awareness about many negative ‘core beliefs’ which cause us a lot of misery in our lives. Of course the ones I speak of are not so evident to spot as this colour example. However, knowing these facts about your core beliefs and those of others can be very liberating. Recognising negative core beliefs and ultimately challenging them and ‘rewriting’ new ones can turn our life around completely.

Our core beliefs are formed when we spend time as infants and young children with our primary caregivers, usually parents, sibling, close relatives, then teachers, friends and so on. Each of these have interacted with us in some way that has influenced our understanding of ourselves, others, life and so on. For example, Kim has repeatedly heard that she is stupid and good for nothing. Naturally, way back when she was too tiny to reason things out, she believed it; thus her core belief about herself became ‘I’m stupid and useless person.’ And subsequently, her whole life, her thoughts, actions and choices have centered around the core belief that she is stupid. So she didn’t bother taking that exam, applying for that job and so on, because she believes that she is indeed stupid.

What I am inviting you to do today, is to question your core beliefs to discover whether in actual fact they are true, useful and valid for you. Without this awareness, most of our lives are spent in misery operating from false assumptions. We see the world and live according to most of the negative core beliefs we have which are simply false, irrational, illogical, distorted or senseless for us.

Just as you can clearly see that the colour of the car above is yellow, and that you have no qualms about objecting and telling me ‘NO! It’s yellow, not blue!’ So to honour the essence of your being and question your core beliefs. Here are two examples of negative core beliefs I have heard:

‘Men have to be tough. If men show their feelings, they are weak and feminine.’

‘I have to follow my father’s and grandfather’s footsteps and become a lawyer to preserve the family name.’

The people who have made these claims, have believed them to be fundamentally true because these have become core beliefs learned at an age when they did not have the capacity to discern, to check validity, to question. And we have many many core beliefs which shape our life and condition it. In actual fact, these can be positive or negative. Both greatly determine what will happen of us unless we have this awareness and insight to question, reframe and change our core beliefs to bring them in line with who we really are.

A person who has been repeatedly told as a young child that ‘you can do it!’ ‘you are strong and brave!’ will grow up believing in herself. A child repeatedly being exposed to parents who fight and are verbally abusive to each other learns to believe that this is the way love in relationships ought to be expressed.

Our core beliefs are deeply ingrained within us and hard to change. Many a time, we get upset when someone comes along with different core beliefs and tries to challenge us. I quite like this quote here:

Take some time to reflect upon your core beliefs; both positive and negative. The challenge isworth it :)

For further information about how to change your core beliefs, click on the link here: How to change your core beliefs

Until next time :)

Blessings from Ella

Identity.

At some point in our lives, if we are fortunate (or unfortunate some may say) enough, we come face to face with the existential questions – who am I? and what is the purpose of my existence?

Life Lesson 20 – The Unmasking

Who am I? What is the purpose of my existence? I suppose, once those questions come to our awareness, you and I are faced with two choices – to continue conforming to the ‘me’ that I have been taught/conditioned into becoming… or… to be the essence of who I truly am.

Let me not say too much and instead invite you to watch this. Absorb everything and take time to reflect…

Identity  (5 mins)

Jean-Jacques Rousseau says “Man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains”. Those chains he speaks of, or ‘masks’ as we see in the clip, are those things that enslave us and stop us from being who we truly are...so we live in a world of illusion, like actors on a stage playing our part. Dare I say like puppets on a string?

We can ask ourselves… Who am I? In truth, I am not the masks I wear… the masks that have been imposed on me in childhood, the masks that the media, culture or society pressure me to wear to ‘fit in’ to false ideologies. I am someone far greater than the sum of these together… I am the essence of my being, that which makes me uniquely me, full of value and worth by virtue of being human. But these masks weigh down on me… I look in the mirror and have forgotten who I am because I have been too preoccupied with becoming who ‘they’ told me to be… ENOUGH.

The time has come to take off the masks, to see the raw and real beauty within. When we learn to be and love that person in the mirror, then we truly become free… and when we are free to live our truth, we rise above the pettiness, the falsities, the traps and lies of all those who try to stick masks on our faces whilst convincing us that we’re not good enough…BE FREE.

And as for the purpose of our being… that will become apparent soon after we see ourselves for who we truly are ;)

My wish for you is that you look in that mirror, sans masks, and look deep; so deep that you can see the glorious soul within! You may be thinking ‘I’m ugly’, ‘I’m too fat or too thin or too short or too tall’, ‘I’m not strong enough, smart enough, good enough, young enough…’ But my friend YOU ARE ENOUGH. Can’t you see that all these words are simply masks that you have worn since the time that someone ‘gave’ them to you to wear? The mask you see is not the truth. It is the lie that you have been fed, the illusion that you have been given because it suits 'them' for you to conform or to feel inadequate... wearing their mask gives them power; but you have the choice and the power to take it off.

Perhaps this is a bit philosophical :) but on a practical level, if you are feeling unsatisfied with your life and with the ‘masks’ you are wearing, or if you feel that your self-talk is negative or that you do not like yourself, please seek the help you need to heal, grow and to find your true self. If you can identify the issues (such as childhood trauma, low self-esteem, fear, guilt, compliance, lack of assertiveness, anxiety etc) self-help books and sites are very useful; and if you don’t know where to begin, seek guidance in a way that is beneficial to you (a counsellor or other mental health professional for example). Pain has a purpose. When you feel that the ‘mask’ is now causing you pain, this is a signal that you have outgrown it, that it is time to take it off. Liberate yourself. You deserve it.

Blessing from Ella xx

Relationships…  before embarking on one, here’s a simple analogy to consider that explains one of the fundamental reasons why some thrive and some don’t. Although this reflection is not all encompassing, it’s worth taking into consideration. 

Life Lesson 19 – What not to compromise in a relationship

Let us imagine for a moment that we are all animals. One day a monkey feels lonely and meets a rabbit. They quickly make friends and a relationship formed. Both are happy to have found companionship. At some point however, the monkey realises that although the rabbit is cute and fluffy and a gentle friendly creature, it is not a monkey. It cannot climb trees and swing on branches. It eats carrots not bananas and enjoys living in a rabbit-hole. The rabbit also comes to the same realization about the monkey…. The analogy can be made with any two creatures of your liking – a fish and a bird can illustrate what I’m getting at even better perhaps…

The truth of the matter is this – All of us have our own worldview and life perspective. These consist of our fundamental ideas/beliefs/principles, how we want to live our life and most of all the very essence of our being – who we are. All these things together make up who we are. They are the fundamental building blocks that make me Ella and you You. We cannot and should not negotiate, suppress or compromise the essence of our being.

And there are two very important reasons for this. The first being happiness and fulfilment. We can never be happy or fulfilled if we are not true to who we are; to the very essence of our being. In the long run, even for the sake of our own mental health and well-being we simply cannot deny the core of our existence.

The second is authenticity – if you compromise who the essence of what makes you You, you will not be authentic in your relationship. In other words, we would be lying to ourselves and to the other person by pretending to be who we are not. This will be short-lived and after the initial excitement wears off, the person usually starts showing his/her true self which results in major disappointment and thoughts like “he changed” or “she’s not like she used to be”. In reality the person did not change, they were just not authentic to begin with. Most of the time this does not happen because the person is dishonest; it happens because the person is afraid that the other will disapprove or leave if they show who they really are. But please reflect upon this – do you want someone to love you unconditionally for who you truly are, darkness and all; or do you want to live a life of falsity? This choice will determine the quality of the relationship.

Please do not get me wrong. Here I am not talking about the give and take, the compromise, the sacrifice, the respect for differences, the selflessness and so on that are the building blocks of a lasting relationships between two people. I am talking about those core beliefs, principles, goals, ideas that make you You and that are practically impossible to compromise. Let us refer to the animal analogy again – Imagine you are a bird whose partner is a fish. Both of you may admire the beauty of the air/sea, the fact that one can fly and the other can swim… That person may be the nicest ‘fish’ you have ever met in your life, however he is not a bird, not of the same species – doesn’t want to fly, and even if he spends his entire life pretending to fly, or you try to swim, neither you nor him will truly be fulfilled – because birds were meant to fly and build nests and live in trees and fish were meant to swim in the sea…

The main reason for unfulfilling relationships is because people try to compromise the essence of their being. They try to ‘become’ another animal or convince their partner to ‘be’ like them, when in reality, no matter how hard a fish tries to fly it never will, even if it convinces himself that his fins are wings.

Then some relationships succeed because both people are birds or fish. They may be different types of birds or fish, but that doesn’t matter because they can fly together and live in the same tree, or swim together in the same sea. They can understand each other because they have the same outlook and beliefs even if they are different… just think about it.

Until next time :)

Blessings from Ella

Have you ever had to take a decision which was so tough to make, you spent hours, days even, thinking about what was the ‘best’ thing to do? I’m sure you have. And most probably, you have done a number of these things – asked for advice, researched the topic, made a pros and cons list… and yet, no closer to being ‘sure’ about which choice to make. Yes, we’ve all been there. Let’s explore the phenomenon of taking decision and making the ‘right’ ones.

Life Lesson 18 – Exploring choices and taking decisions

Let me start with a little story. Back when I was applying for my undergrad degree, I narrowed my choice to a Bachelor of Arts (BA) or Bachelor of Education (B Ed). I knew deep inside at that point in my life that I wanted to become an educator; and these were two routes whereby I could achieve that. I was confused though because I had received ‘helpful’ advice from many well-meaning people who told me that the BA opened doors to many other careers whilst the B Ed meant that I could only be a teacher… they had a valid point! And so, like most of us do, I got a piece of paper and jotted down the pros and cons of each degree. I researched both options and the end result on paper was that the BA was the better option. As I filled in and handed the application, I couldn’t help but feeling my heart wrenching and a nagging intuitive knowing in my gut that something was not right – but I ignored it because the proof was on the paper.

One semester into the course, it dawned on me that I was studying a bunch of stuff, which although interesting were not my passion. I wanted to learn pedagogy, teaching skills and philosophy, psychology and sociology of education because I desired with all my heart to be a teacher! The story goes on that I left the BA and applied for and graduated with B Ed (Hons.)… and it was the best decision I could have made at that point in time, which resulted in many years doing what I loved.

Why did I share this story? I recounted this episode to illustrate that in our lives, taking the ‘right’ decision for ourselves is more complex than we have always been taught. But fret not, cause this will be unravelled as you read on.

Most of us have been taught to take decisions based on what is rational because as we’ve been told many times before, decisions based on emotions are never correct. So most ‘level-headed’ people take decisions based on the scientific method. Here, there are three outcomes: one choice is either better, worse or equal to the other. But the truth of the matter is that we are complex human beings. We are not robots that can make decisions based solely on what rationally and scientifically appears to be ‘right’ according to statistics. If it were that simple, we’d have no difficulties whatsoever. We would just draw up the data and choose. But it’s not like that is it? :) If it were, then we would conclude that all people ought to make one choice over another…

The truth is that the rational method is good and valid… but not good enough to ensure your personal happiness! All these give you impersonal, external and hopefully objective data. But you and I are not impersonal and the decisions we take will very much affect us internally and are most definitely subjective and personal.

So my suggestion is to go one step further. Sure, do all the rational stuff and do it thoroughly: the pros and cons list, the research, the seeking of professional opinions and any other decision making tools. Now go a step further! After you have gathered all that data and have analysed it critically, stop. Put it all aside. Go somewhere quiet where you can be alone with yourself and reflect upon these questions:

• What is my true passion and calling in life?
• What short-term, long-term and life goals do I have and how does this decision contribute to them?
• How do I feel about this decision?
• What is my gut feeling, my intuition, my instinct telling me?
• Is this decision going to make me happy and will I be fulfilled?
• Does this decision give me peace of mind?
• What makes sense to me, for my life, with my loved ones, at this moment/phase of my life?
• And most of all, if you are a spiritual person, ask yourself whether the decision complements your beliefs. Christians call the process discernment.

After completing both processes, we can then take the decision which will be most beneficial for us! For further information see Chang, How to make hard choices

Until next time xx

Blessings from Ella

The world has conned us into believing that pain is unnecessary and should be avoided at all costs. And we indeed do anything and everything to avoid it, suppress it and run away from it. This faulty thinking has inevitably caused us even more pain and suffering which is prolonged and more severe. Please do not shoot the messenger, but I would like to share a truth with you which at first you may not like. But if you read on and embrace this new perspective, you may come to the realisation, like I did, that pain after all is not the enemy… denial is, escapism is… anything that we choose instead of meeting with pain head on; these are our real enemies. 

Life Lesson17 – Pain is not your Enemy

Pain is necessary… physical and emotional pain are there as indicators that something ‘is not okay’ with us. Biologically, if we do not feel pain, if we do not have the ability to feel pain; the hot stove, the ache and strain and sprain, then we’d keep going… and we’d be dead. The same applies to us regarding emotional suffering of all kinds – if we do not feel the pain, we would not know which areas within ourselves and in relation to others and life need ‘fixing’. Pain manifests itself to pinpoint the place where the core of our suffering is, so that we can deal with it.

But it takes GUTS to feel the pain and stay with it long enough to heal all that it is trying to tell you. Many of us don’t. The moment we feel pain of any sort, we rush around panicked desperately trying to drown it out, deny its existence or solve it as quickly as possible. We want quick fixes. We want magic and instant gratification.

And what is the result? We do not develop effective coping strategies, we do not develop resilience, we do not become strong in character… we use quick fixes in vain. But quick fixes do not heal pain, quick fixes put us in a state of denial until the problem is compounded and comes back to bite us in the rear end.

What am I proposing to you today my soul friend? :) I am proposing a change in perspective. Please entertain this new thought, see how it feels to say: Pain is not my enemy. Pain is my teacher, my wake-up call nudging me ‘Huston we have a problem!’ and therefore it is a blessing in disguise. Physical pain requires going to a physician; but my focus here is on emotional pain. Here are some reflections to consider:

Think about that pain in your life for a moment. You know the one, I know the one… place it in front of you and sit with it for a while. I know, it is causing you so much suffering. You can’t stand it and you want to run away and drown it out… please don’t. Perhaps it’s about a person, or a relationship, or about life circumstances, or about some aspect of yourself. Whatever your pain is, I invite you for once to stay with it. Don’t ignore it, supress it, drink it, drug it, or alienate it away by doing something to ‘make it go disappear as quickly as possible’. Now acknowledge that this pain is trying to tell you something – something in that area of your life is not going well. Please accept this new awareness as a blessing; that pain is guiding you to the exact place where you need healing. When something unconscious is made conscious for us, it indicates that we are ready to begin the healing process.

This awareness, if you harness it, will put you in a position of power. When you stay with the pain, acknowledge it and accept it, you are no longer a victim, you are now the leader within your own life. You can now do something about it. If you feel that you cannot face it alone, seek the help of a counsellor or another mental health professional. The key is to face the pain, to uncover what it is trying to tell you, to discover where the problem lies and to take action toward solving it, managing it, coping with it and/or changing your perceptions about it.

 In doing so, we can  heal, change and grow. We can develop effective life skills to face future challenges. We gain positive coping strategies, we become resilient, strong in character and renewed.

I hope that this post can encourage you to face your pain and move toward healing. Until next time, peace out precious one, you've got this.

Blessings from Ella