Feelings. The word is FEELINGS. I just wanted to get your attention :) because this is one post you don’t want to miss.
Life Lesson 13 – Feelings
Our culture seems to perpetuate what I believe is a fallacy… and it has to do with feelings. In my profession and through general life experiences, I’ve realised that most people believe that there are ‘good’ feelings and ‘bad’ feelings. And even worse, that certain feelings are associated with gender stereotypes... such as 'it's not right for girls to feel angry' or 'it's not okay for boys to feel sad and cry'... This is simply false and also very foolish. Feelings are feelings. There are no good or bad feelings and feelings are for everyone. The whole range of feelings we experience make us human and real. Through all of our feelings, we can connect with ourselves and with others. Feelings inspire creativity in art, music, poetry and all other forms of expression. All of them are necessary, important and valid. I really wish to share this with you because it has helped me immensely in my life and it has helped many others too… This is why I have created this blog, to share nuggets of wisdom which have helped, enlightened and transformed me, with hopes that in turn, I can inspire you <3 enjoy!
You have a right to feel all your feelings. No one should have the power to make you guilty for what you are feeling. Let me say this again – whatever you are feeling at any moment, it’s okay to feel it. So what do we do now? This is where skills come in :) I shall call these skills “Feel and Deal” (copyright Ella Mizzi) Let’s Begin:
Feel and Deal
Rationale
We all have feelings. To deny or suppress our feelings is unhealthy for us on all levels and can create problems in every aspect of our lives. When we do not acknowledge our feelings, we are essentially betraying ourselves and losing connection with who we are and the direction of our life. When we do not let others (especially children) express their feelings, we are indirectly teaching them that it’s not okay to feel certain feelings… this causes a lot of harm to a person’s well-being, mental health and relationships. So we acknowledge our feelings, this is the first and essential step. The crucial part comes now, what are we going to do with these feelings? And this is what ‘Feel and Deal’ is all about. If we learn these skills, they become vital coping strategies, positive choices we can make, whereby we rule our feelings, they don’t rule us.
Strategy
Preliminary Step: Know yourself exercise. Find some quiet time. Take a sheet of paper and write ‘Feelings’ at the top. Divide the sheet in to three sections and title these sections People, Places, Situations. In each section list the feelings that certain people, place and situations invoke within you. Acknowledge them all. This gives you an overview of how your feelings are generally distributed. It makes you the pilot with the flight plan.
Day to day strategy in steps:
- Fully acknowledge whatever you are feeling – sadness, anger, happiness, fear…
- Stay with the feeling. Do not supress it, deny it or ignore it.
- Now comes the pivotal step. You are going to PAUSE, so that you can make a rational choice about how to best express the feeling in a way which benefits you (and others) and does least harm. You are not going to act upon your feeling spontaneously without thinking. Take a deep breath. You are going to ask yourself, “What am I going to do with this feeling?” You see, there is nothing wrong with the feeling in itself. It is what we choose to do with this feeling that makes all the difference. Keep in mind: Action = Consequence. Feelings on their own do nothing, they simply show us that we are fully human and fully alive… it is the action we take during or after the feeling that leads us to positive or negative consequences in our lives.
- In your self-awareness, if you know that a particular feeling comes up often for you, say anger, this is an indication for you that you need to work on this feeling so that it will not control you any longer. Any feeling that controls us makes us a slave to that feeling. In reality, we all want to be free! In such a situation, we need a mental list of coping strategies we can access to channel our feelings into action with positive consequences. Here is an example, but we all draw up our own plan according to our personality:
Anger Immediate Action Plan
- Count to 10 breathing deeply
- Repeat a positive affirmation (ex: I am in control, all will be well.)
- Practice mindfulness for 3 minutes
- Go for a run/listen to your favourite song/punch a pillow/make some tea/write in your journal/phone a friend… whatever suits you
- This additional step is sometimes necessary: After safely diffusing the feeling, spend some time discovering what, how and why you felt what you did and if there is any action you can take to better the situation in your life to minimise or prevent it from occurring again (this of course depends on what the ‘trigger’ is, but as an example, if I know that meeting ‘X’ after a football match will trigger my anger, I will actively choose to reduce my chances of meeting him when I feel vulnerable.)
The idea behind the Immediate Action Plan is that you have something immediate to fall back upon to channel your anger and diffuse it without any negative consequences. You can make an Immediate Action Plan for all the feelings which you believe you need to channel. Eventually this will become an automatic process for you and it will become second nature :) You can even use the surge of emotions to create something beautiful in your life! I know of someone who as a child was always channeling his anger negatively and getting into trouble. Until he learned the skill of counting to 10 before reacting, then punching a pillow. As he grew older, he took up boxing and is now doing very well as an amateur boxer and has a successful relationship with his partner and friends. These skills are also important to teach to children :)
So my friends, in essence, this ‘F’ word, FEELINGS, is fantastic! It’s what makes us alive :) All we have to do is learn the skills “Feel and Deal” – to acknowledge what you FEEL and then DEAL with it positively.
I hope today’s inspiration helps you :)
Blessings from Ella