Soul on a Journey

Oh my, what a word! Freedom – the word carries so many implications on so many levels. People live for it, people die for it. But what is freedom?

As I always do in my blog posts, I offer food for thought from my reflections upon life and my soul on a journey. My hopes are, that my words can stir up something within you, whatever it may be, to set you thinking, feeling and pushing further out of the ‘box’ of your present awareness. I shall invite 5 awesome guys to help me illustrate my point – Socrates, Rousseau, Sartres, Frankl and Jung. Please sit back and imagine having coffee with us!

Whether you agree or not the scope. As my friend Socrates states:

So please, entertain the thoughts I write here. Invite them into the ballroom of your mind, to dance with your present understanding of things. You might enjoy it :)

Life Lesson 25 – Freedom

When I studied philosophy as a teen, a lecturer once wrote this quote by my friend Rousseau on the board and invited us to argue its meaning:

It has taken me up until the present moment to understand the significance of this quote and not feel upset about it like it had upset me in the past. For now, instead of enslaving me, the idea LIBERATES ME. How can ‘being in chains’ be liberating? And how can THIS be FREEDOM?

Those who know me, know I love paradoxes :) fret not, I will explain.

To illustrate what ‘Freedom’ truly is, I shall invite Sartres and Frankl to do the talking. Sartres states that:

Let that sink in for a moment. “Freedom is what YOU DO with what has been done to you.” My emphasis here is what YOU DO. Simply put, what has been done to us – those are THE CHAINS that Rousseau speaks of. We can do nothing about those. However, what we CHOOSE to do with what has been done to us is WHAT GIVE US FREEDOM… OR ENSLAVES US.

You see, you and I and all of humankind have had and will continue having ‘things’ happen to us – this is the nature of our existence on earth. To negate this fundamental understanding of life means that one has not even begun his/her journey towards enlightenment. Things that are BEYOND OUR CONTROL WILL HAPPEN irrespective of how nice, kind, fair, just, wonderful, smart and so on you are. First ACCEPT this fact. Then you can move on. Your freedom starts with accepting this.

Okay, so now that we have liberated our mind from that untruth, we can move forward. Let me share with you what Frankl has to say and then I shall add everything together to give the complete picture:

To understand the impact of this quote, one must read Frankl’s profound experience in a Concentration camp during the second world war in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning”. Frankl notes that although EVERYONE was living the same terrifying reality, some were enslaved whilst others were FREE.

What does all this mean? Well here’s my understanding. It’s not sugar-coated, it’s hard core reality simply put. And I believe THIS mindset is the mindset of FREEDOM.

Yes, Rousseau is correct, everywhere we are ‘in chains’. These ‘chains’ are anything and everything that happens to us outside our control irrespective of what we do. This is why I don’t believe in karma. Karma states ‘what goes around comes around’. People who believe this get very upset (as I was) when they realise that even if you are genuine, nice and fair - people will still stab you in the back and misjudge you. Even if you eat healthy and exercise - you may still fall ill with a disease… and so on. ‘Bad’ things happen to ‘good’ people and vice-versa. Please don’t get stuck here. Understand that everyone has these ‘chains’. So now what? Now YOU CHOOSE whether you want freedom or enslavement. And that choice is in your hands. Picture it this way:

Something HAPPENS to you. What are your thoughts about it? Whatever you choose to think will affect and create your feelings, which in turn will lead to your action. If you think negative thoughts, you have chosen to let the circumstance enslave you. On the other hand, if you choose to say “what can I learn from this to become a better person, to get a new perspective on life, to become wiser, to change and grow, to help others from this experience, to become more enlightened… then YOU HAVE CHOSEN FREEDOM. Instead of what has happened enslaving you, you rise above ‘the chains’ to become more enlightened, wiser, more compassionate – you, in essence, are FREE!

I shall conclude with one more quote, from another friend, Mr Jung who has been rather quiet throughout our coffee rendezvous :)

 Blessings from Ella xx

Hello once again beautiful souls! It's been a while hasn't it?! I missed you :) I've been looking forward to meeting you again to share all the awesome lessons I've learned as I journey through life!! So here goes:

Life Lesson 24 - Acceptance

Acceptance is something we may struggle with at various times in our lives when we have little or no control over situations and people. Here are some points to reflect upon in this regard:

Impermanence

Nothing in this world is permanent. Everything happens in cycles. The seasons change and yet there is splendour in each one.
The world is in a constant state of flux. Things change... it's a given. To expect that things are permanent or unchanging is to deny a basic reality of life upon earth. The first step toward acceptance is to acknowledge impermanence and accept it as an inevitable part of life.

The Human Condition

We are all human, we are born as infants in an imperfect world, we grow and face many joys, sorrows and life lessons. This is the human condition and none of us can escape it. It is consoling to know that by virtue of being human, we cannot avoid any of the hardships that come with being human, being fallible and being mortal. We all share in the joys and sufferings of life; none of us are immune to them. This knowing consoles us twofold: first is that we can grow to accept that our humanness brings with it a set of inevitable life experiences; and second, that because of this, we can connect with others in that space where we share the same experiences - happiness, loneliness, failure, illness, fear, success, birth, death, love and loss. It is best to flow through life resisting nothing.
Remember, when the strong wind comes, those trees that do not bend and sway will break.

Detachment

There's a story from Thailand which I'd like to share with you that highlights this point:
“You see this glass?” asks the Thai meditation master. “For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.”

When we appreciate what we have knowing already that it will not last forever, we are detached from it, we appreciate every moment we have it; and when it will end, we are not devastated because we knew that it was “already broken”.

Positive Reframing

Whenever an upsetting event happens in our lives, we can stand back and try to find what is positive about the situation. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this to grow and become a better person?” 

Gratitude

Being a thankful person changes everything about life. If you can, at any moment, look around you and see something to be thankful for, you are in a better position to accept the situations you cannot change or control.

Acceptance is ultimately about changing the way you think.
We cannot change others.
We cannot control the inevitable.
We can control our thinking, our attitude and our behaviour.
And this is what makes all the difference.

Until next time xx 

Blessings from Ella

Have you ever had to take a decision which was so tough to make, you spent hours, days even, thinking about what was the ‘best’ thing to do? I’m sure you have. And most probably, you have done a number of these things – asked for advice, researched the topic, made a pros and cons list… and yet, no closer to being ‘sure’ about which choice to make. Yes, we’ve all been there. Let’s explore the phenomenon of taking decision and making the ‘right’ ones.

Life Lesson 18 – Exploring choices and taking decisions

Let me start with a little story. Back when I was applying for my undergrad degree, I narrowed my choice to a Bachelor of Arts (BA) or Bachelor of Education (B Ed). I knew deep inside at that point in my life that I wanted to become an educator; and these were two routes whereby I could achieve that. I was confused though because I had received ‘helpful’ advice from many well-meaning people who told me that the BA opened doors to many other careers whilst the B Ed meant that I could only be a teacher… they had a valid point! And so, like most of us do, I got a piece of paper and jotted down the pros and cons of each degree. I researched both options and the end result on paper was that the BA was the better option. As I filled in and handed the application, I couldn’t help but feeling my heart wrenching and a nagging intuitive knowing in my gut that something was not right – but I ignored it because the proof was on the paper.

One semester into the course, it dawned on me that I was studying a bunch of stuff, which although interesting were not my passion. I wanted to learn pedagogy, teaching skills and philosophy, psychology and sociology of education because I desired with all my heart to be a teacher! The story goes on that I left the BA and applied for and graduated with B Ed (Hons.)… and it was the best decision I could have made at that point in time, which resulted in many years doing what I loved.

Why did I share this story? I recounted this episode to illustrate that in our lives, taking the ‘right’ decision for ourselves is more complex than we have always been taught. But fret not, cause this will be unravelled as you read on.

Most of us have been taught to take decisions based on what is rational because as we’ve been told many times before, decisions based on emotions are never correct. So most ‘level-headed’ people take decisions based on the scientific method. Here, there are three outcomes: one choice is either better, worse or equal to the other. But the truth of the matter is that we are complex human beings. We are not robots that can make decisions based solely on what rationally and scientifically appears to be ‘right’ according to statistics. If it were that simple, we’d have no difficulties whatsoever. We would just draw up the data and choose. But it’s not like that is it? :) If it were, then we would conclude that all people ought to make one choice over another…

The truth is that the rational method is good and valid… but not good enough to ensure your personal happiness! All these give you impersonal, external and hopefully objective data. But you and I are not impersonal and the decisions we take will very much affect us internally and are most definitely subjective and personal.

So my suggestion is to go one step further. Sure, do all the rational stuff and do it thoroughly: the pros and cons list, the research, the seeking of professional opinions and any other decision making tools. Now go a step further! After you have gathered all that data and have analysed it critically, stop. Put it all aside. Go somewhere quiet where you can be alone with yourself and reflect upon these questions:

• What is my true passion and calling in life?
• What short-term, long-term and life goals do I have and how does this decision contribute to them?
• How do I feel about this decision?
• What is my gut feeling, my intuition, my instinct telling me?
• Is this decision going to make me happy and will I be fulfilled?
• Does this decision give me peace of mind?
• What makes sense to me, for my life, with my loved ones, at this moment/phase of my life?
• And most of all, if you are a spiritual person, ask yourself whether the decision complements your beliefs. Christians call the process discernment.

After completing both processes, we can then take the decision which will be most beneficial for us! For further information see Chang, How to make hard choices

Until next time xx

Blessings from Ella

I would like to share some thoughts with you... I think I’ve figured out what kills relationships… all kinds of relationships - with spouses, partners, friends, parents, siblings and colleagues… They do not die a natural death… they are gradually killed by culprits in disguise, subtle and invisible like arsenic. Regretfully, I have been an eye witness, a bystander, a victim and an accomplice. Chances are, you have been too.

Life Lesson 14 – Unmasking the relationships killers

Have you ever seen the death of a relationship? Have you ever been part of one that died? In this blog post, the relationship deaths I refer to are not those which could not survive because of some moral or legal indiscretion, I am talking about the mysterious death of a relationship between two people who are genuinely nice and who haven’t done anything in particular that warranted its death.

So let us name and shame the killers shall we?

1. Inference

Most people in a relationship think they communicate with the other person just because they speak often. Most people also believe that they are telling the other person their thoughts and explaining their feelings… BUT what most people are doing in reality is not communicating honestly and with transparency. No. What they are doing is using INFERENCE. And this my friends, is one of the deadliest poisons guaranteed to kill relationships. And if they don’t die, they are listless, boring and lifeless; practically dead anyway. Please allow me to give some examples to illustrate:

INFERENCES WE SAY                                                         WHAT WE REALLY MEAN TO SAY

I’m thirsty, I would like a coffee. = I would like to go out for a coffee because I need to talk to you.

Change that dress, you look horrible. = I am feeling jealous because you look gorgeous.

Why are you always watching that football?! = I have no problem with your hobby, I just want you to dedicate quality time for me too. 

I’m sorry, I have to cancel because I’m sick. = I’m not prepared to meet you yet because of that thing that happened between us.

I miss you. = I want to meet you. When can we meet?

You get the point. Inference is when we do not say what we are really thinking and feeling; we say something indirectly hoping the other person will ‘read between the lines’ and understand us. Inference is miscommunication. Inference kills relationships. We use inference for a number of reasons, mainly low self-esteem and fear of rejection or embarrassment. The end result is always disappointment and feeling misunderstood.  

2. Assumptions

Another killer is assumptions. There is an expression about assumptions being the mother of all *screw ups* (censored version) and that to ass-u-me means making an ‘ass out of u and me’. Too true… too tragically true. And we are so creative at assuming things about the other person, we could win a prize for most creative story line. Let’s see some assumptions shall we? All of these examples are real:

• ‘I’m sure that pic she posted on Facebook was a 'message' for me.’ (Truth: It was a random pic she liked)
• ‘He must not care because he hasn’t called me!’ (Truth: his mobile battery died)
• ‘She doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.’ (Truth: she is suffering from anxiety)
• ‘He has changed, he doesn’t love me anymore.’ (Truth: he is having a very hard time at work and has fallen into a depression but is too ashamed to tell you.)

We assume. We believe what others tell us 'about them' without questioning whether it is true or not. We make up stories in our heads creating the reasons why they have or have not done or said something... and we do not clear it out with them authentically. Assumptions kill.

3. Fear

Fear is that hideous monster that patrols around in our head breathing fire of doubt, oozing pride and locking us in a cage of insecurity. Fear has conditioned us when we were young and continues to do so operating unconsciously. It scares us into silence and paralyses us into inaction. The result is, our fear contributes to the death of a relationship... but what do we fear? We fear being rejected, we fear being misunderstood, we fear looking vulnerable and weak, we fear humiliation for being the one to ‘give in’ and take the first step toward reconciliation. Believe me when I tell you that I empathise. The fears are real. To put the fears behind us and take the first step is a risk because we never know how the other person will react. In truth, all great things in life have an element of risk… I suppose we have to ask ourselves which pain we are more willing to bear – the end of a relationship or the risk of being honest with yourself and the other?

Inference, assumptions and fear, here they are, exposed. And the truth is clear, if we continue using inferences and assumptions, if we continue letting fear reign, our relationships are doomed; they might not die, but they will be mediocre and inauthentic. It’s so sad to come to the realisation that we are taught so many things, except the skills of having a relationship; hence the reason why we sometimes feel so lonely in spite of having so many ‘relationships’ and ‘friendships’…

So what can we do? The answer depends on what kind of relationships we are looking for. If we want a relationship or a friendship which is real, deep and honest where two people can love and be loved unconditionally for who they really are; then what we need to do is be authentic – be brave, overcome the fear and tell our truth with love. This means telling the person exactly what we are thinking and feeling uncensored BUT doing so in a loving way. We need to be brave and open, we need to communicate without masks, bearing our soul if we wish the other person to be equally authentic.

I know, this is something radical and scary, something that takes a lot of courage to do; especially in a world where we have been conditioned to ‘put our best face forward’, where we have been brainwashed not to look vulnerable, where we have been taught not to trust, where we have become experts at inference and assumptions because our culture has taught us to ‘operate’ in this way… and the result? Look around and within, a bunch of lonely people wearing a ‘happy face’ mask…

Awareness is a tough pill to swallow. What do we do now that we know how and why relationships die? The power is in our hands.

Until next time, take care of your precious self.

Blessings from Ella

Feelings. The word is FEELINGS. I just wanted to get your attention :) because this is one post you don’t want to miss.

Life Lesson 13 – Feelings

Our culture seems to perpetuate what I believe is a fallacy… and it has to do with feelings. In my profession and through general life experiences, I’ve realised that most people believe that there are ‘good’ feelings and ‘bad’ feelings. And even worse, that certain feelings are associated with gender stereotypes... such as 'it's not right for girls to feel angry' or 'it's not okay for boys to feel sad and cry'... This is simply false and also very foolish. Feelings are feelings. There are no good or bad feelings and feelings are for everyone. The whole range of feelings we experience make us human and real. Through all of our feelings, we can connect with ourselves and with others. Feelings inspire creativity in art, music, poetry and all other forms of expression. All of them are necessary, important and valid. I really wish to share this with you because it has helped me immensely in my life and it has helped many others too… This is why I have created this blog, to share nuggets of wisdom which have helped, enlightened and transformed me, with hopes that in turn, I can inspire you <3 enjoy!

You have a right to feel all your feelings. No one should have the power to make you guilty for what you are feeling. Let me say this again – whatever you are feeling at any moment, it’s okay to feel it. So what do we do now? This is where skills come in :) I shall call these skills “Feel and Deal” (copyright Ella Mizzi) Let’s Begin:

Feel and Deal

Rationale

We all have feelings. To deny or suppress our feelings is unhealthy for us on all levels and can create problems in every aspect of our lives. When we do not acknowledge our feelings, we are essentially betraying ourselves and losing connection with who we are and the direction of our life. When we do not let others (especially children) express their feelings, we are indirectly teaching them that it’s not okay to feel certain feelings… this causes a lot of harm to a person’s well-being, mental health and relationships. So we acknowledge our feelings, this is the first and essential step. The crucial part comes now, what are we going to do with these feelings? And this is what ‘Feel and Deal’ is all about. If we learn these skills, they become vital coping strategies, positive choices we can make, whereby we rule our feelings, they don’t rule us.

Strategy

Preliminary Step: Know yourself exercise. Find some quiet time. Take a sheet of paper and write ‘Feelings’ at the top. Divide the sheet in to three sections and title these sections People, Places, Situations. In each section list the feelings that certain people, place and situations invoke within you. Acknowledge them all. This gives you an overview of how your feelings are generally distributed. It makes you the pilot with the flight plan.

Day to day strategy in steps:

1. Fully acknowledge whatever you are feeling – sadness, anger, happiness, fear…
2. Stay with the feeling. Do not supress it, deny it or ignore it.
3. Now comes the pivotal step. You are going to PAUSE, so that you can make a rational choice about how to best express the feeling in a way which benefits you (and others) and does least harm. You are not going to act upon your feeling spontaneously without thinking. Take a deep breath. You are going to ask yourself, “What am I going to do with this feeling?” You see, there is nothing wrong with the feeling in itself. It is what we choose to do with this feeling that makes all the difference. Keep in mind: Action = Consequence. Feelings on their own do nothing, they simply show us that we are fully human and fully alive… it is the action we take during or after the feeling that leads us to positive or negative consequences in our lives.
4. In your self-awareness, if you know that a particular feeling comes up often for you, say anger, this is an indication for you that you need to work on this feeling so that it will not control you any longer. Any feeling that controls us makes us a slave to that feeling. In reality, we all want to be free! In such a situation, we need a mental list of coping strategies we can access to channel our feelings into action with positive consequences. Here is an example, but we all draw up our own plan according to our personality:                                              

Anger Immediate Action Plan

• Count to 10 breathing deeply
• Repeat a positive affirmation (ex: I am in control, all will be well.)
• Practice mindfulness for 3 minutes
• Go for a run/listen to your favourite song/punch a pillow/make some tea/write in your journal/phone a friend… whatever suits you

5. This additional step is sometimes necessary: After safely diffusing the feeling, spend some time discovering what, how and why you felt what you did and if there is any action you can take to better the situation in your life to minimise or prevent it from occurring again (this of course depends on what the ‘trigger’ is, but as an example, if I know that meeting ‘X’ after a football match will trigger my anger, I will actively choose to reduce my chances of meeting him when I feel vulnerable.)

The idea behind the Immediate Action Plan is that you have something immediate to fall back upon to channel your anger and diffuse it without any negative consequences. You can make an Immediate Action Plan for all the feelings which you believe you need to channel. Eventually this will become an automatic process for you and it will become second nature :) You can even use the surge of emotions to create something beautiful in your life! I know of someone who as a child was always channeling his anger negatively and getting into trouble. Until he learned the skill of counting to 10 before reacting, then punching a pillow. As he grew older, he took up boxing and is now doing very well as an amateur boxer and has a successful relationship with his partner and friends. These skills are also important to teach to children :) 

So my friends, in essence, this ‘F’ word, FEELINGS, is fantastic! It’s what makes us alive :) All we have to do is learn the skills “Feel and Deal” – to acknowledge what you FEEL and then DEAL with it positively. 

I hope today’s inspiration helps you :)

Blessings from Ella

Hello folks :) We’ve heard it a million times before that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger... cliche right? We've heard songs about it bla bla bla, but we still go on grumbling and whining when something doesn’t go according to our exact plan. Truth is, we all want the path of least resistance… We all want and sometimes even ‘expect’ people, situations and life to go according to what we want or what we think/feel/choose. And we get upset, angry, hurt, resentful, jealous, sad, revengeful, depressed, miserable etc when misfortunes happen to us… BUT…

Life Lesson 12- What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Let’s look back upon our life… as toddlers (when our minds were still ‘clean’ and not filled with any thoughts other than the will to survive, thrive, learn, explore and discover) we fell countless times before we learned how to walk… we bumped our heads, burned our hands, babbled incorrectly, ate some hideous things from the floor AND never gave up. After each time things didn’t go ‘our way’ and we ‘failed’ we would cry for a moment and GET BACK UP and try again… with a smile on our face even!

So what happened to us? How did we go from “strong, cheerful survivor-fighter toddlers” to “pathetic expectation-filled grumpy adults”? :P I would say, it’s because we modeled the behaviour of the “pathetic expectation-filled grumpy adults” we saw and thus became much like them (apologies to grumpy adults xx)  :) BUT…

We all know people who have ‘defied’ this. Think of someone right now, someone who has met with suffering, illness, defeat, death, poverty, abuse, disappointment, tragedy, any sort of adversity… and is still an awesome, optimistic, cheerful, loving person! I am blessed to know many and I thank them for teaching me infinite wisdom about resilience. Here are some of their secrets :)

Firstly, they all believe that ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ and LIVE by it. Basically meaning that whenever something 'bad' happens, they don’t waste time grumbling and pitying themselves. They wipe the sweat off their face and say ‘okay this is how it is, what can I do NOW, what can I LEARN, how can I come out of this STRONGER?’ It’s kind of like the principle of muscle-building really, gym fans all know – if you want to build muscle, you have to strain it till it tears and builds up bigger and STRONGER… the same goes with us :)

Secondly, they are happy, cheerful and forever hopeful – much like children – they know how to laugh and enjoy every moment in their life. They make ordinary moments ‘extraordinary’ just by being joyful. They don’t take life too seriously. One such friend had had a major risky operation… and while she was in hospital told me cheerfully ‘at least I finally have the chance to read a couple of books while I’m here!’

Thirdly, these sunshine people are always THANKFUL. No matter what happens, they always find something to be thankful for. For example, instead of stressing about the traffic, just be thankful that you have a car (stick a smiley face on your dashboard to remind you!)

Finally and most importantly I believe, is that these people’s hearts are full of LOVE. They exude love from every pore of their body, you can sense it when you see them and feel it when you talk to them. They don’t say nasty things about others, love and accept others as they are, have a heart full of compassion and understanding… and they know how to forgive because they acknowledge the imperfections within themselves and others as a fact of life.

So if today you face adversity, embrace it, learn from it and remember, this isn't going to break you, it's going to make you stronger.

Blessings from Ella

Hello again precious soul. I hope you are well… and if you are not, then please receive sunshine and a few words for reflection :) I hope they will make you feel a little better xx

Life Lesson 11 - Life is not fair

You may be asking yourself, “how is telling me that life isn’t fair going to make me feel better?!” Haha :) that’s me, I love paradox; I just love things that aren’t supposed to make sense and then finding the meaning to give them sense ;) Hear me out and see what you think. As promised in a previous blog, on our soul journey together I can only humbly give you what I have learned through experience and research and through my profession; from my worldview at the present moment. I value freedom and choice, thus, as always, I only offer you these insights to set you thinking and reflecting… make of them what you will and adapt them, enhance them, reframe them or discard them, either way you will learn :)

So… Yes. Life is not fair.

Life never was fair.

Life is not fair presently.

And no matter what, it will never ever be fair.

Sorry for the slap in the face. But my hopes for you are that you really understand this truth and accept it. Please take a few moments to let it sink in. If necessary, repeat “Life is not fair” a few times… then we can move on :) If this comes as a shock to you, here's something to console you before continuing:

Now that you’ve accept this as reality, we can work! We can actually discover how liberating it is to know and accept that life is not fair and then to learn skills for reframing your thinking. Let’s begin shall we?

One of the key reasons for our stress, sorrow, anxiety and hurts is that we have an innate and irrational belief that life is fair. Then, because deep down we believe and expect life to be fair, we get all worked up, angry, stressed and filled with anxiety because we simply cannot accept the unfairness! So let me say it once more: Life is not fair. If you are prepared to accept that and rewire your thinking to believe that life is not fair, then we can do something about it ;)

Life isn’t fair, but Life is good Exercise

1. Remind yourself daily that ‘Life is not fair’. With this new belief lies your freedom.
2. Now imagine you find yourself in a situation where ‘life is not fair’. (Please note that here I am not talking about things that have to do with human rights, the law or criminal injustice; I am talking about usual things that happen in life, big or small). What are you going to do about it? Because HERE is where your freedom lies! The moment that the unfair thing happens PAUSE just PAUSE for a moment.
3. Now during that pause there is a space, and in that space is where the change is going to happen. So, unfair thing has happened and you have paused and not reacted… now remind yourself, that since life is unfair it is useless wasting energy being angry etc that the unfair thing has happened. Think “It happened and I accept it”. BUT but but… you are not a Victim of this unfairness, you are going to transform yourself into a Victor. Step 4 tells you how.
4. As you are in that space, fully accept that life is not fair. Now let go, totally let go of the way things should have happened in your mind. This step is the hardest. If you can practice this step often until you rewire your thinking to do this automatically, then the next steps are easier.
5. Ok recap, so the unfair thing has happened and you have accepted it and let go of your expectations and ‘shoulds’. Now what? Now you learn two strategies: First is “How am I going to react? What am I choosing as a reaction in the immediate moment?” and What am I going to do about it at this very moment? Second is “What am I going to learn from this?”

Here is a simple example to show you how to work this out:

Stuck in Traffic - thought process:

1. Life is not fair.
2. I PAUSE and do not react by getting stressed, anxious, angry or worked up.
3. Life is not fair, I am stuck in traffic, I acknowledge it and I accept it.
4. I let go of the way I expected it to be. I choose to be a victor and this situation is not going to get the better of me.
5. First - Since I can do nothing about the traffic, I am not going to react negatively. I am not going to get angry, stressed or anxious because if I do, anger, stress and anxiety won’t get me out of traffic; so getting worked up is useless. I choose to remain calm because remaining calm is good for my health and mental wellbeing. AND At this moment as I am in the car, I am going to utilize this time effectively (instead of wasting it being angry) by listening to my favourite music, saying my daily affirmations, praying or mantras, listening to an audiobook about motivation or positive thinking, talking to a passenger if you are not alone, practicing mindfulness, positive self-talk etc… you see there is so much you can do sitting in a traffic jam! :) And now that you have seen a new perspective, why would you waste your time being stressed, which is not beneficial to you in any way? Second – Look for the life lesson, yes even stuck in traffic. Are you meant to learn patience? Or to let go of things you can’t control? Or time management? Every moment has a teacher, look out for it; and every situation will have meaning for your growth.

The above is a minor example, but the strategy can be used in almost any situation. Once you accept that life isn’t fair and you let go of your expectations and ‘shoulds’, you can choose to react positively for your own wellbeing, you can make good use of the opportunity to do something fruitful and best of all you can learn a life lesson. Hope this new perspective helps you in some way :)

I got some of my inspiration for this post from a person whose philosophy I greatly admire, Dr Viktor Frankl. I leave you with some of his quotes:

Blessings from Ella 

I was at the airport the other day, inevitably watching people scurrying around with their baggage in tow. It’s awesome how at some point in life you realise, that if you have heightened awareness, every moment can become your teacher.

Life Lesson 10 – You’ve got baggage… and so does everyone else

I want to share this powerful visualization with you because I sincerely think that it can help transform all your relationships for the better. Sit down for a moment and create this image in your mind. Visualise it in as much detail as possible.

Imagine that you are in a big empty room. Now visualise the people who are important to you or have significance in your life (partner, family members, friends, colleagues… even your ex, that friend you argued with and people have fallen out with) Bring them into the room. Now as they stand there in front of you, imagine that they are all carrying baggage, all of them… oh and of course include your baggage in the scene. How much baggage does your partner have? What is your neighbour carrying? How many bags does your ex have? What luggage is your co-worker towing around? Please visualise this in as much detail as possible, colour, size, quantity of baggage.

The baggage contains the person’s Life History and Experiences.

Imagine that… inside that baggage, each person is carrying his/her childhood, culture, hurts, traumas, illnesses, suffering, pain, fears, hopes, dreams and outlook on life. Of course, the baggage is ‘invisible’ and no one can see it or know how much it weighs, how heavy it is to lug around all the time, except for the person carrying it.

So next time you meet someone, see someone or think about someone, visualise the baggage that that person is carrying. That woman who sends her child late to school and without homework… could be a silent victim of domestic violence. That co-worker who never comes to the pub after work… might be a recovering alcoholic. Your spouse who shuts you out emotionally… might be a victim of child abuse. Your friend who has not contacted you in ages… might be diagnosed with an illness. That person who has gained 30 kilos… might be suffering from depression… Your child who is suddenly writing carelessly… might be bullied at school. How about the one who never answers emails, messages or phone calls… perhaps he is battling an addiction, has lost his wife or is feeling suicidal.

My point is, you never know what baggage a person is carrying. And others do not know what you are carrying either. So if you don’t want others to judge you because they cannot see the baggage you are carrying, then you do the same ;) Try this today and see how it goes:

See the Baggage Exercise

Today, with everyone you meet, practice seeing their baggage. As you interact with them, visualise what they are carrying. When we do this, we become more compassionate and less judgemental. We do not gossip or come to conclusions or invent stories in our mind. We do not become offended at that person’s actions toward us… When we see the baggage, we empathise. It becomes easier to love and easier to forgive.

This will also do wonderful things to your relationships! If we are aware of the baggage, we can ask the person to share the load. We can talk about the contents of our baggage. We can even unpack together, discard items which are no longer useful and repack a lighter load for the rest of the journey. Goodness! There is so much we can do to nurture our relationships if only we could take the time to see the baggage instead of being so hasty to shut a person out or load him with more baggage due to our harsh judgement.

PS - Everyone comes with baggage. If we are under the illusion that we can find a partner or friend baggage-free, we will end up running away all our lives. You see, the first step is seeing your baggage, then acknowledging it... then seeing and acknowledging it in others. And only then can we start with the unpacking ;)

And one final note my dear friends :) if your baggage is becoming too heavy to bear, please seek help. Please take care of yourself.

Blessings from Ella

Happy Monday awesome soul :) let’s have a small chat shall we? I want to let you in on something, I hate stereotypes… with a passion. I actively battle stereotypes simply because they are nonsensical and limiting to the awesomeness and freedom and right we all have to be who we truly are… On a related note, this brings me to Superheroes :) What comes to mind when you envision a superhero?

Most likely one of the above. And rightly so, because we have been conditioned by the media to see superheroes like this. Let us pause to reflect some more. What qualities does a superhero have?

• Strength
• Power
• Agility
• Superior aesthetic qualities (beautiful/handsome/muscular…)
• Young
• Able-bodied

Life Lesson 9 - Redefining Superheroes

The list above makes me cringe. What message are we getting and what message are we giving to our children? Are these the qualities that make a superhero? And what about those who do not measure up to these standards? I remember watching the transformation of Captain America and shuddering! So here is this ‘regular’ man who, on being transformed into a superhero emerges from the machine muscular and more assertive and more handsome than before. What scenes like this actually do is programme our mind to perpetuate stereotypes. We learn that this is what a hero should look and be like, that a ‘regular’ person simply does not measure up.

Well…today I want to invite you to redefine superheroes. I want to tear down those stereotypes and show you a new kind of superhero! So please let me introduce you to my kind of superhero and draw up a brand new list of what makes a superhero in my world.

They are the ones who don’t wear a cape… look around you, I bet you’ll see some yourself, walking around in plain clothes or in uniform. I have been fortunate to meet many superheroes in my life. One who fought illness head on and transformed her life and those of countless others. Another who faced addiction and rose from the ashes to rebuild his life. A woman who did not let her disability disable her and thus champions others to do the same. Someone who had an unspeakable childhood grows up to help others who are suffering from the same traumas. That single parent who greets her children with smiles and cuddles hiding her suffering. The list goes on… but since you don’t know these people, here are some well-known people who make my superhero list:

Jose Mujica – former President of Uruguay and the world’s poorest president who donated 90% of his salary to charities.

Malala Yousafzai – human rights activist for education and for women in her native Pakistan.

Stephen Hawking – physicist and director of Research at the Centre for Theoretical Cosmology within the University of Cambridge.

Rosa Parks - known as the 'first lady of civil rights' because she refused to give up her seat to a white man on a bus.

Nick Vujicic – evangelist and motivational speaker.

My list of superheroes goes on and on, Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela, Anne Frank, MLK Jr. None of these people fit the criteria above. By Hollywood standards these people are nobodies… and yet they have transformed humanity! So let us redefine superheroes shall we? How about:

• Overcoming adversity
• Standing up against oppression
• Perseverance
• Humility
• Kindness
• Compassion
• Resilience

You see, my friends, with this new vision of superheroes, we can truly appreciate each other. Imagine a world where instead of glorifying the external characteristics of a person, we would be in awe of the greatness that lies within that person, simply by virtue of them being human… simply by virtue of them trying their utmost to live life in the best possible way, overcoming adversity, being an inspiration, working against all odds for the goodness of humanity – this is what a real superhero is in my eyes.

And guess what? I suppose that if you look within your heart, you’d find such qualities in you. And thus, I name you too a real life superhero for overcoming that thing you thought you couldn’t, for your resilience; and for not giving up! You don’t need a cloak, it’s there within your heart – be a superhero and applaud the superheroes around you :)

Let’s try this out shall we? Today look out for a superhero – your spouse, partner, child, colleague, neighbour, anyone! And when you see one, let him/her know that they are heroes. Let’s spread the love and redefine superheroes <3

Blessings from Ella

I am always in awe of how beautiful Life is and how she teaches me. Sometimes she gives a gentle nudge to sway me in the right direction and sometimes she slaps me in the face to snap me into awareness. I love her lessons either way, for I know that I am growing... and as long as I am growing, then I am alive and I can celebrate this adventure! :)
Last night I witnessed a tantrum as I was enjoying a lovely dinner. It should have been annoying, however it was not... because it gave me a new perspective and the life lesson for today's post :)

Life Lesson 8 - The Shiny Object of My Desire

Picture this scenario:
As a little child, you see a bright, silver shiny obejct, gleaming in the light as the sun shines through the kitchen window.
You are fascinated by its beauty and you are curious, in awe of how it sparkles and glows... It intrigues you, excites you, mesmerizes you... YOU WANT IT AT ALL COSTS.
So you point to it, ask for it, cry for it, shout and throw a tantrum with hopes that you will get it.

YOU DON'T.
No one wants to give it to you.
You can't reach it.
You climb on a chair attempting to get it and you fall... it hurts even more now...

The object of your desire is a knife.

But you are just a little child...
You are not ready for it.
You don't know how to handle it.
No one will give it to you, no matter what you do...
Because they love you... because you can't handle it; because now is not the time...

Familiar story?
Sure it is. You and I and all of humankind, no matter how old we are, how smart we are, how experienced we are...
We all have that "knife" that we want right now... the one we cannot seem to get.
Perhaps because it will harm us, or others... maybe because now is not the time... or we are not ready for it, perhaps we need to learn some things before we get it or maybe something else, something better is coming along...

The point is, that as children we couldn't understand why the knife was a NO-NO... and as adults, many a time we still can't understand.
We just have to trust in the process of life and that it is unfolding as it should.
That everything we want and need will come to us at the perfect time and not a moment before.

Our life is like a giant jigsaw puzzle, we put it together one piece at a time to make a beautiful masterpiece.<3

Blessings from Ella