Soul on a Journey

Relationships…  before embarking on one, here’s a simple analogy to consider that explains one of the fundamental reasons why some thrive and some don’t. Although this reflection is not all encompassing, it’s worth taking into consideration. 

Life Lesson 19 – What not to compromise in a relationship

Let us imagine for a moment that we are all animals. One day a monkey feels lonely and meets a rabbit. They quickly make friends and a relationship formed. Both are happy to have found companionship. At some point however, the monkey realises that although the rabbit is cute and fluffy and a gentle friendly creature, it is not a monkey. It cannot climb trees and swing on branches. It eats carrots not bananas and enjoys living in a rabbit-hole. The rabbit also comes to the same realization about the monkey…. The analogy can be made with any two creatures of your liking – a fish and a bird can illustrate what I’m getting at even better perhaps…

The truth of the matter is this – All of us have our own worldview and life perspective. These consist of our fundamental ideas/beliefs/principles, how we want to live our life and most of all the very essence of our being – who we are. All these things together make up who we are. They are the fundamental building blocks that make me Ella and you You. We cannot and should not negotiate, suppress or compromise the essence of our being.

And there are two very important reasons for this. The first being happiness and fulfilment. We can never be happy or fulfilled if we are not true to who we are; to the very essence of our being. In the long run, even for the sake of our own mental health and well-being we simply cannot deny the core of our existence.

The second is authenticity – if you compromise who the essence of what makes you You, you will not be authentic in your relationship. In other words, we would be lying to ourselves and to the other person by pretending to be who we are not. This will be short-lived and after the initial excitement wears off, the person usually starts showing his/her true self which results in major disappointment and thoughts like “he changed” or “she’s not like she used to be”. In reality the person did not change, they were just not authentic to begin with. Most of the time this does not happen because the person is dishonest; it happens because the person is afraid that the other will disapprove or leave if they show who they really are. But please reflect upon this – do you want someone to love you unconditionally for who you truly are, darkness and all; or do you want to live a life of falsity? This choice will determine the quality of the relationship.

Please do not get me wrong. Here I am not talking about the give and take, the compromise, the sacrifice, the respect for differences, the selflessness and so on that are the building blocks of a lasting relationships between two people. I am talking about those core beliefs, principles, goals, ideas that make you You and that are practically impossible to compromise. Let us refer to the animal analogy again – Imagine you are a bird whose partner is a fish. Both of you may admire the beauty of the air/sea, the fact that one can fly and the other can swim… That person may be the nicest ‘fish’ you have ever met in your life, however he is not a bird, not of the same species – doesn’t want to fly, and even if he spends his entire life pretending to fly, or you try to swim, neither you nor him will truly be fulfilled – because birds were meant to fly and build nests and live in trees and fish were meant to swim in the sea…

The main reason for unfulfilling relationships is because people try to compromise the essence of their being. They try to ‘become’ another animal or convince their partner to ‘be’ like them, when in reality, no matter how hard a fish tries to fly it never will, even if it convinces himself that his fins are wings.

Then some relationships succeed because both people are birds or fish. They may be different types of birds or fish, but that doesn’t matter because they can fly together and live in the same tree, or swim together in the same sea. They can understand each other because they have the same outlook and beliefs even if they are different… just think about it.

Until next time :)

Blessings from Ella

I would like to share some thoughts with you... I think I’ve figured out what kills relationships… all kinds of relationships - with spouses, partners, friends, parents, siblings and colleagues… They do not die a natural death… they are gradually killed by culprits in disguise, subtle and invisible like arsenic. Regretfully, I have been an eye witness, a bystander, a victim and an accomplice. Chances are, you have been too.

Life Lesson 14 – Unmasking the relationships killers

Have you ever seen the death of a relationship? Have you ever been part of one that died? In this blog post, the relationship deaths I refer to are not those which could not survive because of some moral or legal indiscretion, I am talking about the mysterious death of a relationship between two people who are genuinely nice and who haven’t done anything in particular that warranted its death.

So let us name and shame the killers shall we?

1. Inference

Most people in a relationship think they communicate with the other person just because they speak often. Most people also believe that they are telling the other person their thoughts and explaining their feelings… BUT what most people are doing in reality is not communicating honestly and with transparency. No. What they are doing is using INFERENCE. And this my friends, is one of the deadliest poisons guaranteed to kill relationships. And if they don’t die, they are listless, boring and lifeless; practically dead anyway. Please allow me to give some examples to illustrate:

INFERENCES WE SAY                                                         WHAT WE REALLY MEAN TO SAY

I’m thirsty, I would like a coffee. = I would like to go out for a coffee because I need to talk to you.

Change that dress, you look horrible. = I am feeling jealous because you look gorgeous.

Why are you always watching that football?! = I have no problem with your hobby, I just want you to dedicate quality time for me too. 

I’m sorry, I have to cancel because I’m sick. = I’m not prepared to meet you yet because of that thing that happened between us.

I miss you. = I want to meet you. When can we meet?

You get the point. Inference is when we do not say what we are really thinking and feeling; we say something indirectly hoping the other person will ‘read between the lines’ and understand us. Inference is miscommunication. Inference kills relationships. We use inference for a number of reasons, mainly low self-esteem and fear of rejection or embarrassment. The end result is always disappointment and feeling misunderstood.  

2. Assumptions

Another killer is assumptions. There is an expression about assumptions being the mother of all *screw ups* (censored version) and that to ass-u-me means making an ‘ass out of u and me’. Too true… too tragically true. And we are so creative at assuming things about the other person, we could win a prize for most creative story line. Let’s see some assumptions shall we? All of these examples are real:

• ‘I’m sure that pic she posted on Facebook was a 'message' for me.’ (Truth: It was a random pic she liked)
• ‘He must not care because he hasn’t called me!’ (Truth: his mobile battery died)
• ‘She doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.’ (Truth: she is suffering from anxiety)
• ‘He has changed, he doesn’t love me anymore.’ (Truth: he is having a very hard time at work and has fallen into a depression but is too ashamed to tell you.)

We assume. We believe what others tell us 'about them' without questioning whether it is true or not. We make up stories in our heads creating the reasons why they have or have not done or said something... and we do not clear it out with them authentically. Assumptions kill.

3. Fear

Fear is that hideous monster that patrols around in our head breathing fire of doubt, oozing pride and locking us in a cage of insecurity. Fear has conditioned us when we were young and continues to do so operating unconsciously. It scares us into silence and paralyses us into inaction. The result is, our fear contributes to the death of a relationship... but what do we fear? We fear being rejected, we fear being misunderstood, we fear looking vulnerable and weak, we fear humiliation for being the one to ‘give in’ and take the first step toward reconciliation. Believe me when I tell you that I empathise. The fears are real. To put the fears behind us and take the first step is a risk because we never know how the other person will react. In truth, all great things in life have an element of risk… I suppose we have to ask ourselves which pain we are more willing to bear – the end of a relationship or the risk of being honest with yourself and the other?

Inference, assumptions and fear, here they are, exposed. And the truth is clear, if we continue using inferences and assumptions, if we continue letting fear reign, our relationships are doomed; they might not die, but they will be mediocre and inauthentic. It’s so sad to come to the realisation that we are taught so many things, except the skills of having a relationship; hence the reason why we sometimes feel so lonely in spite of having so many ‘relationships’ and ‘friendships’…

So what can we do? The answer depends on what kind of relationships we are looking for. If we want a relationship or a friendship which is real, deep and honest where two people can love and be loved unconditionally for who they really are; then what we need to do is be authentic – be brave, overcome the fear and tell our truth with love. This means telling the person exactly what we are thinking and feeling uncensored BUT doing so in a loving way. We need to be brave and open, we need to communicate without masks, bearing our soul if we wish the other person to be equally authentic.

I know, this is something radical and scary, something that takes a lot of courage to do; especially in a world where we have been conditioned to ‘put our best face forward’, where we have been brainwashed not to look vulnerable, where we have been taught not to trust, where we have become experts at inference and assumptions because our culture has taught us to ‘operate’ in this way… and the result? Look around and within, a bunch of lonely people wearing a ‘happy face’ mask…

Awareness is a tough pill to swallow. What do we do now that we know how and why relationships die? The power is in our hands.

Until next time, take care of your precious self.

Blessings from Ella

Hey! How about we take a stroll in the garden so we can continue that conversation we started yesterday?! :)

Life Lesson 5 – THE One

So imagine if I had to tell you that I know this awesome person who would be with you forever, no matter what… Someone who would never leave you, always be with you, through thick and thin and totally understand all that you have gone through and are going through right now. I bet you’d tell me, ‘Yes!! I want to meet this person!’ Perhaps you’re thinking that I’m going to sell you some fairy tale story… I assure you that I am not :) I am here to make you a promise, that this awesome person I’m talking about is THE one for you. This person I am talking about is _____________ (PLEASE INSERT YOUR NAME ON THE LINE)!

YOU, yes you are the one! You are the person who is never going to leave you. This is actually mind blowing if you think about it. Let me explain, referring to myself first, but as we’re walking and chatting away, imagine yourself got it? Okay here goes. So Ella is the one person who is always with me. I cannot ever change this reality. In truth, I can walk away from every single person on earth, and everyone can abandon me… except Ella. She will always be with me because she IS me. This realisation has immense power, enlightenment and potential. You see, we practically live our entire existence from ‘without’. Every relationship we have is with other people. We expect great relationships with our spouses, partners, friends, family and colleagues; but we almost never think of having a great relationship with ourselves! And because of this, practically all our other relationships end up being mediocre at some point.

So let’s imagine you are meeting yourself for the first time. Please do so right now. Hover above and take a bird’s eye view and imagine these two people meeting each other – ‘you’ and ‘You’ (perhaps I’m sounding mad, but entertain the thought and see where it takes you!) You will realise immediately that because ‘you’ knows ‘You’, you have to be completely honest! You can’t try to impress or wear a mask, you have to be genuine or else you’d know :P And so ‘You’ tells ‘you’ about life experiences and all that you’ve been through; the ups and downs, the hardships and joys, your strengths and talents and things you’ve achieved and things you’re proud of; your greatest mistakes and your most shameful experiences and failures… the light and the dark within you – everything, ‘You’ bears his/her soul to ‘you’…

And when you listen to the story, you naturally feel overwhelmed and touched by all this person has been through, because you understand exactly what it feels like when ‘You’ had that experience, passed through that thing… ‘You’ also shows ‘you’ talents, hopes, dreams, wishes, desires and goodness. When you see ‘You’ for ALL that he/she is, I bet you can’t help but say “Wow! This person is a hero! Look at all ‘You’ has been through and is still here, fighting the good fight!”

So now I ask you to consider this. Be honest with ‘You’ ;) how do you talk to ‘You’? Do you give ‘You’ a hard time? Are you negative and mean with ‘You’? Are you kind and loving with ‘You’ or are you bullying and harassing ‘You’?! What kind of relationship do you have with ‘You’?! Do you treat ‘You’ with kindness and compassion or do you treat ‘You’ like crap?!

As with all relationships, we reap what we sow. So let’s be frank here. This ‘You’ person ain’t going anywhere so you might as well start liking him/her! :) How can you live with ‘You’ if you don’t like the person? So how can you grow to love ‘You’? Firstly, give ‘You’ a break mate!! Stop being so critical and harsh and unforgiving whenever ‘You’ makes a mistake. ‘You’ is only human, every human errs, it’s in our nature, birds fly, fish swim, people screw up… accept it! If I fell over right now what would you do? You’d probably help me up and see that I’m okay… So do the same with ‘You’. And if someone had to come up to me and start calling me offensive and hurtful insults, you’d probably defend me wouldn’t you? (I hope so!) Same goes with ‘You’ – you cannot allow anyone to treat ‘You’ like crap, not even you!

Secondly, if there’s something ‘You’ needs to change or improve, help ‘You’ change it! Help, encourage, be a good friend to ‘You’! Whatever you would do with someone you love, do with ‘You’!

And now I’d like to have a word with ‘You’. STOP letting you or anyone treat ‘You’ like crap! ‘You’ deserve better than that! ‘You’ deserve true unconditional love, to be treated with respect, to cultivate your talents, to work towards your goals, to dream and live a good peaceful life… ‘You’ deserve well-being and you of all people have the power within you to give it to ‘You’!! So what are you waiting for?!

First seek to be THE one to ‘You’… then you will find the one, and be the one for others.

Now how about an ice-cold glass of iced tea?! :)

Blessings from Ella