Relationships… before embarking on one, here’s a simple analogy to consider that explains one of the fundamental reasons why some thrive and some don’t. Although this reflection is not all encompassing, it’s worth taking into consideration.
Life Lesson 19 – What not to compromise in a relationship
Let us imagine for a moment that we are all animals. One day a monkey feels lonely and meets a rabbit. They quickly make friends and a relationship formed. Both are happy to have found companionship. At some point however, the monkey realises that although the rabbit is cute and fluffy and a gentle friendly creature, it is not a monkey. It cannot climb trees and swing on branches. It eats carrots not bananas and enjoys living in a rabbit-hole. The rabbit also comes to the same realization about the monkey…. The analogy can be made with any two creatures of your liking – a fish and a bird can illustrate what I’m getting at even better perhaps…
The truth of the matter is this – All of us have our own worldview and life perspective. These consist of our fundamental ideas/beliefs/principles, how we want to live our life and most of all the very essence of our being – who we are. All these things together make up who we are. They are the fundamental building blocks that make me Ella and you You. We cannot and should not negotiate, suppress or compromise the essence of our being.
And there are two very important reasons for this. The first being happiness and fulfilment. We can never be happy or fulfilled if we are not true to who we are; to the very essence of our being. In the long run, even for the sake of our own mental health and well-being we simply cannot deny the core of our existence.
The second is authenticity – if you compromise who the essence of what makes you You, you will not be authentic in your relationship. In other words, we would be lying to ourselves and to the other person by pretending to be who we are not. This will be short-lived and after the initial excitement wears off, the person usually starts showing his/her true self which results in major disappointment and thoughts like “he changed” or “she’s not like she used to be”. In reality the person did not change, they were just not authentic to begin with. Most of the time this does not happen because the person is dishonest; it happens because the person is afraid that the other will disapprove or leave if they show who they really are. But please reflect upon this – do you want someone to love you unconditionally for who you truly are, darkness and all; or do you want to live a life of falsity? This choice will determine the quality of the relationship.
Please do not get me wrong. Here I am not talking about the give and take, the compromise, the sacrifice, the respect for differences, the selflessness and so on that are the building blocks of a lasting relationships between two people. I am talking about those core beliefs, principles, goals, ideas that make you You and that are practically impossible to compromise. Let us refer to the animal analogy again – Imagine you are a bird whose partner is a fish. Both of you may admire the beauty of the air/sea, the fact that one can fly and the other can swim… That person may be the nicest ‘fish’ you have ever met in your life, however he is not a bird, not of the same species – doesn’t want to fly, and even if he spends his entire life pretending to fly, or you try to swim, neither you nor him will truly be fulfilled – because birds were meant to fly and build nests and live in trees and fish were meant to swim in the sea…
The main reason for unfulfilling relationships is because people try to compromise the essence of their being. They try to ‘become’ another animal or convince their partner to ‘be’ like them, when in reality, no matter how hard a fish tries to fly it never will, even if it convinces himself that his fins are wings.
Then some relationships succeed because both people are birds or fish. They may be different types of birds or fish, but that doesn’t matter because they can fly together and live in the same tree, or swim together in the same sea. They can understand each other because they have the same outlook and beliefs even if they are different… just think about it.
Until next time :)
Blessings from Ella